


Paralysis; release

by theundeadsiren (rhoen)



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Love/Hate, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:32:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3409031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhoen/pseuds/theundeadsiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starting university, Kieren finds himself living with four other guys, all studying different subjects and with varying interests. It's not so bad, really, and he finds a firm friend in Philip. What he wishes he could change, though, is his flatmate Rick. The guy is pretty much everything Kieren is not - athletic, attractive, outgoing, popular, and straight. Kieren almost instantly decides that he hates him. Something about the guy sets him on edge, but he can't quite explain what it is or why, and he never tries to. He dismisses Rick's annoying attempts to talk to him and his overly-cheerful grins without even considering that there might be more to it than Rick just wanting to irritate him.</p><p>There is, though, as Kieren will find out eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please check out [the amazing artwork for this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3461225), done by tsuminubiaru ([tumblr post here](http://tsuminubiaru.tumblr.com/post/112431547429/this-is-rick-eoin-was-saying-kieren)).

**You may not take this fic and edit or reupload it - in whole or in part - without my express permission. This includes translations.**   
*** [inthefleshminibang](http://inthefleshminibang.tumblr.com/) and [tsuminubiaru](http://tsuminubiaru.tumblr.com) have my permission to use whichever excerpts they wish as part of any posts they make promoting the event or the accompanying artwork *** 

If you are reading this anywhere other than my (theundeadsiren) tumblr, AO3 or livejournal, then please [let me know](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/ask/), including a link to where you found it, so I can take steps to have it removed. For a list of people given permission to use parts of my works, please see [here](http://theundeadsiren.tumblr.com/permission).

Thank you for respecting my wishes

* * *

Kieren liked his new flat. He hadn’t expected much, so the relatively modern building had been a nice surprise. As his family helped him move in, he found himself in the kitchen, unpacking a box of things his dad had carried up from the car, nodding at his dad’s words.

“Not bad, this. Should be good, son - nice room, good kitchen. Them sofas look comfy. Pity there’s not a TV in here, could be right at home with your new flatmates.”

“Yeah, dad,” he agreed, looking over the worktop that separated the modest kitchen space from the seating area. It was a five bedroom student flat, but so far Kieren had only met two of his flatmates - an outgoing brunet called Seth who said that he was studying music, and a quiet guy around Kieren’s age who had just shuffled back into his room as soon as he’d seen the Walkers enter the flat. The guy’s mum had come out - a warm, approachable woman who had introduced herself as Shirley, Philip’s mum, and then instantly struck up a conversation with Sue right there in the hallway. They had left the two mothers to it at least fifteen minutes ago, and the two women had moved to Kieren’s room, where it sounded like Sue was making his bed. They could still be heard talking from the kitchen, where Jem joined Kieren, carrying another box of things from the car. She dumped it on the worktop.

“Christ, it’s like a WI meeting out there,” she moaned.

"Language, young lady,” their dad warned from across the room. Kieren’s grinned and tried not to laugh at the face his little sister pulled when their dad looked away. He busied himself kneeling down, stocking up the cupboard he’d claimed with the food his parents had insisted on buying for him - rice, pasta, tins, jars of sauce - and the crockery. A hand appeared, passing him a box of cereal.

“Ta, Jem.”

He looked up a second later, wondering if that was the last thing, and caught her taking a bite of shortbread. “Oi! Those were for me!” he protested half-heartedly.

“Quality control,” she stated flatly. He just shook his head, grinning. He didn’t mind, not really. “Come on,” he said, standing up, “let’s see what else is left in the car.”

 

There were five guys sharing the flat, Kieren included. In addition to Seth, there was a freckled redhead studying archaeology who had started moving his things in just as Kieren and his family were leaving to go into town shopping, and some guy Kieren only met when he got back. After carrying yet more stuff up into the flat and packing it away - fresh produce for the fridge, some food for the freezer, a drying rack, laundry bin and a new set of bed linen - Kieren’s parents decided it was time to leave him to it. He hadn’t thought twice about the new woman in the kitchen chatting to Philip’s mum (who still hadn’t left), but as he followed his family down to the car, Kieren met who he presumed was his final flatmate. Tall, broad-shouldered, good-looking and slightly older than eighteen, the guy had given Kieren a nod and an easy grin as they passed on the stairs, which Kieren had barely managed to return before the guy had already moved past him. Kieren hesitated, looking after the guy for a moment, then followed his family out of the building.

Several long minutes of goodbying later, Kieren’s hand fell back to his side as waving to his departing family became pointless when they disappeared from sight. He stood there on the pavement, suddenly wondering what to do with himself. He’d never been away from home before. This was it. He’d moved to university. He had left home. And he had no clue what to do now.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Kieren figured he might as well go back to his room, sort it out just that bit more, really make it his own. The entrance to the block of flats was jammed open, due to the volume of students moving in, so he didn’t need to bother digging out his key. The way up to the first floor was clear, the door to his flat open too. He quickly passed the kitchen, where the mothers were still talking, and quietly slipped into his room.

Half an hour later, the redhead knocked on his door. Not sure what else to do, Kieren let him in, and he sat on Kieren’s bed as battled to get his laptop to connect to the university’s wireless. He was called Eoin (with an ‘E’, not the American spelling); he was from Leeds, but had been born in Oban (Kieren wasn’t entirely sure if it was okay to admit that he didn’t know where that was); he was an only-child; hated meatballs with spaghetti, but either on their own was fine; he’d always liked digging stuff up; and he was allergic to cats. Kieren didn’t really know what to say about himself - he just told Eoin the basics: his name, that he had a sister, where he was from, and that he was studying art. Eoin excitedly asked to see some of his artwork, but Kieren had awkwardly lied and said he hadn’t unpacked it yet. Their conversation had been interrupted when Philip’s mum knocked on his door. She gave him a friendly smile, saying she was going, and pretty much dumped her son in Kieren’s room, giving him a painful-looking tight hug. As Philip sat down, red, Eoin sprang up, declaring he was going to find the other two and bring them to Kieren’s room. The look of terror and exasperation that Kieren shared with Philip told him he’d found a comrade. With a smile at the two of them, Philip’s mum left.

“Reckon we should lock the door?” Philip asked.

Kieren shared a half-smile at the suggestion. He hated the thought of Eoin dragging the other two guys into his room - they had a living room - but he didn’t think he should object on the first day.

Neither of them got up. Instead, they talked about their subjects, both relatively comfortable with each other despite the apparent differences in their taste - Philip was studying Politics and International Relations, had heard of none of the bands Kieren listed, and liked reading history books. He’d started telling Kieren about a book he’d read on the politics that had led up to World War One when there was yet another knock on the door, and Eoin came back in without waiting for an invitation, followed by the guy Kieren had passed on the stairs. He was about Kieren’s height, but as he stood in the doorway looking over Kieren and Philip, he seemed so much bigger. He was broad - muscular - and Kieren swallowed thickly at the way the guy was looking down at him. It didn’t feel threatening, but he still felt unnerved, exposed somehow. He tried to shake the feeling.

“This is Rick,” Eoin was saying.

Kieren tore his eyes from the guy, turning towards Eoin and trying to distract himself. “Where’s Seth?”

He barely heard the answer. His eyes were on Rick again. The guy had stepped into his room, and towards Kieren, offering his hand.

“Hey,” Rick greeted, despite the formality of his action. “Kieren, yeah?”

Before Kieren properly caught up to what was happening, Rick’s firm hold was gone, and he was greeting Philip the same way.

Eoin rabbited on, and Kieren let him. He watched Rick, who had crossed his arms and now stood back a pace, looking over Kieren’s room with a neutral expression. In that moment, Kieren wasn’t sure why he came to the conclusion, but he decided that he and Rick weren’t going to be friends. Tall, muscular, strong, clearly sporty, undoubtedly popular and obviously painfully straight, he was everything Kieren was not. He looked away from the guy, resolving to ignore him - especially the way he felt the other guy’s eyes glanced over him when Kieren pretended to be focused on Eoin and whatever he was now saying.

 

Freshers week was six days too long. After the first night and morning, Kieren was done with it. He didn’t mind the day events around campus, and took the time to try and learn his way around, but he did what he could to get out of meeting anyone after 6pm, well aware of the danger of being pulled into another night out. Kieren had always preferred his own company, but he hadn’t realised until that far too loud, far too long first night out just how exhausting huge crowds, loud music and copious amounts of alcohol could be. He’d also found a new appreciation for silence the morning after, his head… he didn’t even know how to describe how that had felt. Like hell.

He’d met a few people from his degree when in line to meet his tutor and get his schedule sorted, but really, he just wanted classes to start.  
Philip, predictably, had also preferred to stay in, and he and Kieren attempted to make a meal together every night. Philip clearly missed his mum, sometimes looking close to tears, but spending time together made it easier for both of them. So far, Kieren had managed to distract himself during the day, and alone in his room at night had just told himself he was in a hotel or something. It was hard to maintain that illusion sometimes when Eoin and Seth had stumbled back late, Seth often with a girl, but for the most part, Kieren survived.

What he hadn’t expected, though, was how uninterested Rick seemed to be in Freshers Week. The second night, he’d walked into the kitchen, given a small laugh at the sight of Kieren and Philip standing over a boiling pot and full frying pan, and then asked if they were willing to share. Philip had glanced at Kieren, before nervously shaking his head. Good on you, Kieren had thought, feeling unable to say anything to the other guy. Rick had shrugged, said he didn’t want food poisoning anyway, and had fixed himself some cereal before vanishing back into his room. He’d gone out later, but returned quietly, and alone.

Kieren later found out that Rick had gone to college. He was going to be twenty soon. Kieren briefly wondered if he minded being in a flat with mostly younger guys, but quickly decided that he didn’t care. The way he always felt Rick’s gaze on him whenever the older guy was in the same room made Kieren feel uneasy. He told himself to stop caring what the guy did, said, and thought. What was Sports Science anyway? A degree to run around in circles? Great. Rick was just some dumb sports freak. Kieren told himself that he didn’t care about him.

 

As the weeks went by and Kieren settled into university and his flat, there was one thing he couldn’t get used to. It didn’t matter how many times Rick appeared in the kitchen or tried to sit down and join in whatever conversation Kieren and Philip were having (or weren’t, as was often the case - the two were quite content to sit together studying, reading, or drawing in silence), Kieren couldn’t help but throw up a barrier. Rick’s attempts to talk to him made him uncomfortable. As the weeks passed by, the attempts became fewer, until it seemed like Rick gave up altogether.

 

They all had their own circle of friends from their courses, but on the weekends they didn’t go home, Kieren and Philip made a point of cooking together. Of them all, Seth seemed to be in the flat the least often, although occasionally turned up at random times of the day with whichever mates or whatever girl he needed to urgently show to his room - be it play loud music, or make noise of some other kind. Eoin found a girlfriend as loud as himself, and Kieren and Philip often exchanged glances as they heard her high-pitched squealing laugh through the walls. Kieren tried not to think of the girls Rick occasionally brought back to the flat. Lying awake the first night he’d brought someone back, heart beating fast in fury at the guy on the other side of the wall who was busy ploughing into some stupid, moaning slut, Kieren realised life was much easier if he just put his headphones in and played music loud enough to drown out the world.

 

When Philip broached the subject, Kieren knew there was a reason behind his friend asking. Stirring the pasta sauce they were going to have with their meal, Kieren turned at Philip’s question, pushing aside the plans he was making for the approaching Christmas holiday.

“Do you fancy anyone?”

Kieren simply shook his head, looking back down at the pot. There weren’t any girls he found attractive, so he just waited for Philip to ask or say whatever it was that prompted the question. There was no reason to remind Philip of that awkward moment a month ago when they’d talked about a similar topic and Kieren had admitted that, if he felt anything for anyone, he doubted it would be a girl. Philip had taken a few minutes to understand the meaning, and they’d both clearly been uncomfortable with the topic, so had dropped it.

“I think I do,” Philip said at length.

“You think?”

Philip answered quietly this time, nodding as he put the bowls in place, ready for the food.

“Does she like you?”

“Don’t know,” Philip admitted. Kieren looked at his friend. Like him, Philip had been unpopular in school - it wasn’t that he was stupid or ugly, it was just how school was. Kieren didn’t think Philip was a hard guy to like, but he was ‘nice’. Girls didn’t want that, did they? He wondered what this girl was like, so questioned Philip as they sat down in the living space to eat.

He’d initially learned that she was in one of his tutorial groups, but eventually Philip admitted that she was a third year student who took the class. Kieren had teased him lightly for a minute, grinning around mouthfuls of pasta, but had then just shut up and let Philip tell him about her – mostly about her easygoing smile and zany outfits.

“But I don’t know how to talk to her,” Philip sighed, pushing the last few pieces of pasta around the bottom of his bowl.

Kieren shrugged. “Ask her which bit of the course she liked in first year? Or second year? I dunno.”

“Yeah,” Philip agreed, chewing thoughtfully. “Yeah, I should do that.”

 

He didn’t. The next day, the two of them were talking about how the tutorial had gone, and what Philip’s crush had been wearing, when Rick had decided to come hang around the kitchen like a bad smell. He leant on the worktop, asking what they were talking about. Kieren kept quiet, but Philip answered. He seemed to have warmed to Rick. Kieren realised there hadn’t been any problem between the two of them in the first place – Kieren seemed to be the only person who was wary of the sports freak.

Rick had listened, shrugging as he gave his advice – to give her a Christmas card. He left the room after loitering a few more minutes, and Kieren turned to Philip, finally speaking.

“That was actually an okay idea.”

“Well, yeah, Rick’s not a bad guy?”

Kieren wasn’t sure if the way Philip’s tone raised at the end of the statement was supposed to turn it into a question or not. He pulled a face, trying to make light of it, when, really, he hated the guy. “You don’t have to sleep in the room next to him, listen to him fucking those girls.”

“You don’t have to be in the room next to Eoin.”

“Everyone hears those two,” Kieren pointed out.

They were silent a moment, before Philip stood up, heading towards the sink. “Rick doesn’t bring that many girls back does he?”

“More than me,” Kieren remarked dryly. Both he and Philip were still virgins, something Kieren felt uncomfortably aware of every time he knew Rick had someone round. He could do with him bringing girls back less often, or – even better – never.

“More than me too,” Philip sympathised. “I wash, you dry.”

Kieren did as he was told, and the two instead fell to talking about the upcoming holiday, wondering what they could find in town tomorrow to give as presents, and of what kind of card Philip should give to his crush.

 

Seeing Rick never failed to make Kieren feel miserable, but seeing the guy first thing in the morning always set him up for a shitty day. Kieren didn’t want to see him, especially not first thing on a Monday. He didn’t want to see the guy’s stupid face, that dumb, idiotic grin he always seemed to find just to annoy Kieren. Carrying a clean towel and some clothes to the bathroom, Kieren’s heart sank as the door opened and Rick stepped out. He gave Kieren an infuriating smile.

“Hey.”

Kieren ignored him, pushing right past, slamming the door behind him. The whole thing had lasted barely three second, but the damage was done. Furiously, Kieren chucked his clothes on the floor, stripping and turning the water on, all the while cursing the world for having placed the two of them in the same flat. He couldn’t stand Rick. Kieren didn’t even care that the water was still freezing as he stepped under it, gasping at the piercing cold. It was a distraction, and anything to take his mind off that asshole was welcome. At least it was nearly the holidays and he’d have a few weeks respite.

 

But before he could escape, Rick found another way to annoy him. Not only had he spent the entire weekend in his room with the same girl, the Wednesday before Kieren was getting the train home, Rick knocked on his bedroom door. Assuming it was Philip, he’d just called out for him to come in. Only it wasn’t Philip. Rick had stood in his doorway, holding a square white envelope. At least he’d stopped trying to smile at Kieren so much since the bathroom incident last Monday.

Kieren had wanted to shout at him, to tell him to fuck off. He was torn between actually physically shoving the guy out of his room and taking the envelope which was being held out.

He settled on snatching the offered item, but, still furious at Rick for having turned up in his room and making him feel this way, the second he’d taken it from Rick, he was chasing him away with the coldest tone he could muster.

“Get out.”

Rick did.

 

When he packed his things, Kieren included the cards and presents from his friends, classmates and flatmates, although he left the card from Rick, unopened, under a messy pile of doodles on the desk. He was going to completely forget about that guy, even if it was just for a few short weeks.

 

For the most part, Kieren was okay. Rick didn’t belong anywhere in his home life. He had missed Jem, and spent as much time as he could with her, watching Disney movies and eating far too much ice cream, or going for walks and letting her talk for as long as she wanted about anything she wanted. His bedroom had felt cold and lonely the first few nights, but he settled back into home life as if he’d never been away. He loved the silence.

The time passed too quickly. Waking up on the second of January, the uncomfortable truth that he had to go back to university soon settled in his mind, and proceeded to play on his thoughts. He liked his classes, and looked forward to the new semester and seeing his friends again, but there was something he didn’t want to go back to, something he didn’t want to face: Rick.

 

Eventually back in his flat, the first time Kieren saw Rick again, the older guy had given him a painfully bright smile. Kieren ignored it. He felt relieved when he saw the expression fall like lead from Rick’s face. After that, Rick kept his glances and stupid arrogant smiles to himself, or at least to a minimum.

Philip no longer had his third year for a tutor group, so had been despondent the first week back. He and Kieren had cooked far too much food that first Saturday, as if they were making up for something. The two of them stuffed themselves, talking about how they’d stuffed themselves over the holiday, and for a few hours they were both distracted from what was playing on their minds.  
Reality always returned, though, and on hearing Rick talking in the hallway, Kieren’s mood sank. At least the voices were male.

 

Having gotten an iPod for Christmas, Kieren loaded it up with songs, and now that he didn’t have to use his laptop to listen to music, he spent most of the time in the flat listening to it so he didn’t have to hear anyone else. It suited him just fine. He could ignore any noise from Rick’s room (and Eoin’s, everyone in the block of flats must be hoping him and his girlfriend would split up), and the fact that Kieren couldn’t stand being around the asshole seemed to be slowly getting through Rick’s thick skull. He’d started getting the message before the holidays, but after a few coldly-met attempts to annoy Kieren after the holidays, Rick finally stopped bothering him all together. Actually, Kieren realised he’d barely seen Rick all week, and gave a small relieved smile. Maybe the luck would continue into next week too.

 

It did. And Kieren found himself frowning as he thought about the guy, staring at the silent wall that separated their rooms. He couldn’t place why it bothered him. After months of wishing the guy would just fuck off and leave him alone, why did Kieren feel a sense of loss when the guy finally quit annoying him? If it weren’t for the muffled thump and curse he’d heard earlier, he would’ve thought Rick had gone out.

About half an hour later, he heard someone stumble into the flat, and barely two seconds later, that person was knocking on his door. Annoyed, Kieren thought about ignoring it, but before he could tell himself not to bother he was already opening his door. He couldn’t help the smile that spread at the sight of Philip standing there, bouncing on the spot, with cheeks flushed from the cold and the widest grin on his face Kieren had ever seen.

“She asked me out!” he announced, obviously trying to dampen down his excitement as he almost skipped into Kieren’s room, far too animated to sit down. Kieren closed the door carefully after him, turning to give Philip his full attention as his friend launched into the story. He was grinning too. Philip’s good mood was infectious.

“She asked me out! I bumped into her coming out the library – well, she was coming out the library – and she remembered me from the tutorial, and was being nice, and she had this amazing dress on with all these layers and frills and stuff, and my god, she’s so gorgeous, and she was talking about her dissertation, and then about my lectures this semester, and then said we should go to the pub and get a pint – she drinks pints! Like, actual pints!”

Kieren listened patiently, happy for Philip. It didn’t seem, by the time Philip had finished explaining, that it was a boyfriend-girlfriend thing yet – she had invited him to go for that drink, and Philip had managed to ask her if she wanted to do the same again this weekend. So, really, Philip had asked her out on a date. He pointed that out, and Philip had blushed.

“Yeah, I guess I did,” he mumbled, finally having calmed enough to sit on the edge of Kieren’s bed. Philip looked pleased with himself, and Kieren wished he was brave enough to do something like that, too, although there was no one he wanted to ask out. The only person that came to mind in that moment was Rick, and Kieren just wished he could get in Rick’s face and yell at the bastard and tell him how much he hated him.

It was already late, so when Philip finally left his room, Kieren didn’t go back to studying. Curling up in his bed, he put his headphones in and music up loud, despite the fact the flat was almost completely silent. He hated Rick. Even when the guy was keeping quiet and out of his way, he was still annoying him. Kieren just wanted to forget about him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> un-beta'd

Kieren couldn’t think of a time in his life when he’d felt worse than he did now. He was cold, miserable, and alone. The bottle of vodka he’d bought was almost entirely gone, and although he despised the taste, he’d been drinking it neat for the last few hours – he wasn’t even sure how long. He’d lost track of time, and all he knew was that it was late, it was dark, and he couldn’t put off going back to his flat any longer. Only, somehow getting to his block of flats, he couldn’t find his fucking key. Right, it had been on his desk, and he’d only grabbed his thin jacket and wallet. At least his iPod was still in the pocket, although it had run out of battery. He wished he had somewhere else to go – anywhere else. But he didn’t.

Kieren wondered how he was still standing, until he realised how heavily he was leaning against the door. He looked at the panel of buzzers, wondering if he’d manage to lift his hand to push the one for his flat. He’d have to though, and, finally pressing the button, he now had to hope that someone would answer.

Someone did. Kieren swallowed back the wave of pain and nausea when he heard the voice. Mumbling that he’d locked himself out, he then somehow managed to get into the building when the door was released, before collapsing heavily on the first step in the stairwell. Why couldn’t someone else have answered? Why the fuck did it have to be him? It was so unfair.

The scene from earlier replayed cruelly in his mind, and he dimly registered that tears were running down his face again as he re-lived the horrible moment. Perhaps if he wasn’t listening to music full blast he would have realised what was going on – or at least that he wasn’t alone in the flat – and wouldn’t have walked into the kitchen.

Leaning heavily against the railing, Kieren sobbed, hating the pain. He couldn’t forget what he’d seen when he’d opened the door, the shock that had frozen him in place and the sickening crush of emotions that had levelled him. He didn’t want to feel this way. He didn’t want the memory of Rick with that girl to get to him like this, but he couldn’t stop himself from remembering the way Rick’s arms held her close, the way her skirt had been pushed up, the way her legs were wrapped around his waist as he shifted against her. Kieren hated that he wanted that – that he wanted it to be him with Rick, not her. He didn’t… he couldn’t want that. He hated Rick. He wanted nothing to do with him. He desperately wanted to want nothing to do with him, to not feel this pain.

And suddenly the bastard was beside him, interrupting the memory and sitting on the step next to Kieren and trying to coax him up, strong arms helping him to stand. Kieren couldn’t fight him, he was too tired to even know how to. So he just muttered, telling Rick how much of a fucking bastard he was, listening to the painfully gentle voice agreeing and encouraging him to keep moving. He hated the warm press of Rick’s side against his, the supportive arm around his waist, and the patience Rick was showing with him. Kieren hated how much he loved the sound of Rick’s voice, and he found himself saying anything that came to mind just to hear it again. He hated how much he wanted and ached for the guy next to him.

He wasn’t sure how they got to his room, and stared at the stack of papers he managed to upset, realising where they were. Rick steadied him, and as he swayed on the spot, Kieren tried to move forwards and kiss Rick, only to find firm hands on his shoulders holding him back, so he talked over the gentle words encouraging him to undress and get into bed, reminding Rick how much of a bastard he was, and then tried to kiss him again. Tears stung his eyes as Rick easily stopped him a second time, the weight Kieren put into trying to move closer easily countered.

The nearly empty bottle was taken from his hand – Kieren hadn’t even realised he was still clutching it – and, as he couldn’t work out how to crawl out of his clothes and Rick wasn’t willing to undress him any further than slipping Kieren’s jacket and hoodie from his shoulders, Kieren slumped on his bed fully clothed, tugging at the laces of his boots. He hadn’t even realised Rick had gone until the asshole was back, a glass of water in his hand which he patiently encouraged Kieren to finish before helping him with his shoes. Kieren let him, he figured it was easier that way. He was asleep before Rick had finished tugging off the second boot.

 

Kieren was pretty sure the last hangover he’d had wasn’t this bad. Waking up, he’d noticed the bin thoughtfully placed close to his bed, but thankfully he didn’t feel like he needed it. It was the piercing pain in his head that made him desperate to be unconsciousness again. How could he even be alive?

Unfairly, he could remember everything about last night. He knew who had helped him up the stairs and made sure he got into bed, who had tried to make him comfortable, and who must have left the pint glass of water and strip of painkillers on his bedside table. Kieren’s eyes stung, uncomfortably dry, his body too dehydrated to let him start crying again despite how much he felt like he was going to.

Struggling to sit up, Kieren managed to take two of the pills, focusing on the cool water as he slowly finished the glass. Setting it aside, he slid down again, too hungover to bother with his t-shirt or jeans, and thankfully still too tired to think about anything other than getting comfortable under the covers and falling asleep again.

 

It was nearly lunchtime when Kieren woke up again, jarred awake by someone slamming the flat door and obnoxiously loud laughter, thankfully receding. He didn’t know how he’d managed to stay asleep with Eoin and his girlfriend in the flat, but he wasn’t complaining.

He needed another drink, and a shower. Gingerly getting up, unsure of just how awful he might feel if he moved too quickly, Kieren gathered a clean set of clothes and the empty pint glass, as well as the painkillers. Two more would help. He couldn’t quite face the kitchen, though, so didn’t even bother turning towards it. Instead, he padded to the bathroom and slid the lock home, getting ten seconds of peace before there was a knock at the door, immediately followed by a careful voice. “Ren?”

Kieren didn’t know how to feel. He was suddenly pitched back into the maelstrom of confusing emotions, not knowing which way to turn. His heartrate quickened, and he wanted to shout out and scream at Rick to fuck off, but at the same time he wanted those strong arms around him again, the gentle voice placating him. He’d made such a fucking idiot of himself last night, and the fact that Rick was even talking to him… How could Kieren have been so shitty towards someone who was so considerate? Who also brought girls back, and made Kieren feel miserable every time he was around or thought of the sports freak. His head hurt. Everything hurt. He ached with how much he wanted Rick, and how painful the realisation had been. He wanted to hate Rick.

Knuckles turning white as he gripped at the sink, Kieren replied as evenly as he could, trying not to let his voice shake. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

Kieren screwed his eyes shut, pressing his lips together. He was nearly crying again. He couldn’t hate Rick, and he hated that he couldn’t find it in himself to do so.

“Hungover,” he admitted shakily, carefully taking a deep breath and trying to regain control of his thoughts and emotions.

“Are you sick?”

“No.”

Rick was quiet for a moment. “Can I get you anything?” he offered in the same gentle voice.

Although he would rather use the kitchen tap, water was water, so Kieren declined the offer. “I’m good, thanks. Just gonna take a shower.”

“Okay.” Rick agreed. “I’m gonna go study for a bit. You’re welcome to come find me in my room when you’re done, if you want.”

“Uh, okay.” Kieren didn’t know what to make of that, or if he’d ever be brave enough to knock on Rick’s door, even if he wanted to. By the time he moved away from the sink, he was pretty sure Rick had gone again.

 

Kieren still felt miserable by the time he was done in the bathroom, but at least cleaner and a fraction more human. He still hadn’t worked out why Rick had made it clear that Kieren was welcome to come talk to him – Kieren was pretty sure he’d tried to kiss the guy twice last night – so, unless Rick was astonishingly oblivious or Kieren had imagined it, Rick was probably okay ignoring it and just wanted to make sure Kieren was feeling better. A lot of people probably tried to kiss Rick when they were drunk, Kieren thought bitterly. But despite his confusion and conflicting emotions, he still stood outside Rick’s door, having dumped his things back in his own room. It took a few seconds for Rick to open the door once Kieren finally forced himself to knock.

“I don’t want to come in,” Kieren blurted, not giving Rick a chance to speak first. There was one thing he was pretty certain about – he didn’t want to be anywhere he knew Rick had been with a girl, and that definitely included Rick’s room. Rick was looking at him, surprised, as if he hadn’t really expected Kieren to even come to his room, never mind speak first. Finally giving a small shrug, he moved to stand in the doorframe, the door resting against his heel.

“Do you want me to come to your room?”

It was Kieren’s turn to hesitate. He should have realised that his room was the alternative. He shook his head, glancing over Rick. He seemed… nervous? There wasn’t much that belied the fact, but beneath the confident way Rick held himself, the calm, neutral expression, Kieren could see cracks appearing - the way Rick’s fingers were tugging at a loose thread hanging from his jean pocket, the way he couldn’t meet Kieren’s gaze and his eyes kept falling to Kieren’s lips, the way he seemed to be breathing quickly, his tongue licking at his bottom lip. It drew Kieren’s attention, and he felt his cheeks colour, remembering last night. They were standing close together, close enough that he could easily cross the distance and try to kiss Rick again.

Kieren had forgotten the question he was supposed to be answering, and, blinking, he shut his mouth, biting at his lip as he shoved those thoughts away. He was sure it was his turn to say something, but drew a blank.“Um...” he mumbled, now definitely blushing at his own stupidity, eyes flickering up and catching Rick’s for the briefest fraction of a second.

Rick didn’t flinch or even laugh at Kieren’s absentmindedness. “I don’t mind if you want to come in,” he said gently, reminding Kieren what they were talking about.

“Yeah… um, my room...” Kieren stuttered, gratefully taking a step back and turning away as he tried to collect his thoughts. He somehow knew Rick would follow, and as he pushed open his own bedroom door, he heard Rick’s click shut. Kieren simply kicked the laundry out his way, making a beeline for his bed and sitting heavily on the edge, the movement jarring his head and reminding him of the hangover that wasn’t entirely under control of the painkillers he’d taken. Following more sedately, Rick took the chair at the desk, glancing at the few items scattered on the floor. Kieren looked away, trying not to think about how harshly Rick was judging him. Then again, how much worse could it get? He’d been stupidly drunk, crying and muttering last night, barely able to stand up, and had tried to kiss the guy after he all but carried him upstairs. If Rick hadn’t said anything, Kieren could have easily gone the rest of his life without ever seeing the other guy again.

“I’m sorry for last night,” he finally managed in a small voice, eyes focused intently on the floor. He heard Rick sigh, shifting slightly.

“Yeah, me too.”

Kieren frowned, confused as to what Rick was apologising for, but before he could say anything, Rick continued.

“I’m glad you got home safely though. I was worried about you.”

“You were?” He couldn’t stop the surprised question before it slipped out, his startled gaze settling on Rick’s calm features. Rick just slowly nodded, lips pressed together. All Kieren could manage was a small ‘oh’. Rick being a good flatmate and helping him after letting him in Kieren could almost understand - despite the way Kieren had tried to make it clear he hated being around the guy - but the idea that Rick had thought about him during his absence… he couldn’t understand why he’d do that, why he’d care. Kieren had spent months throwing up barriers between them and trying to shut Rick down every time he looked at, spoke to or smiled at him. Nothing fit. Why would Rick bother sparing him a second thought?

But Rick didn’t offer any further explanation, he just tugged at that loose thread again as silence settled over them. After a minute he broke it, his voice loud in the space between them despite how gently he spoke. Kieren couldn’t understand how someone with such a strong presence could speak with such soft tones.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kieren automatically shook his head, without giving a second thought to what Rick might be referring to. “No,” he said adamantly. Whatever it was, there was no way he could begin to untangle his thoughts and emotions relating to anything to do with Rick. It wasn’t worth trying. He wanted to hate the guy, but no matter what, he just couldn’t find the energy to do so. The memory of last night just… hurt… It was embarrassing, and he had no desire to relive any of it, but the only trace of anger he could find was frustration at Rick for how he’d been nothing but patient and helpful.

“Do you want me to talk about anything?” Rick offered, and Kieren found himself shaking his head again. Belatedly he realised that left nothing for them to say, but he didn’t know how to take it back, or what to offer to fill the silence he could already feel creeping over them again. It wasn’t comfortable. It was fucking awkward, and he had no idea what to do with it.

Kieren stiffened as Rick stood up, startled despite the fact Rick hadn’t moved that abruptly. Rick slowly stood and took the stride and a half needed to cross to the bed where he sat down barely a foot from Kieren, the mattress dipping with his weight. Already at a loss, Kieren could do nothing but try to remember how to breathe as Rick’s hand gingerly crossed the space between them and found Kieren’s. He couldn’t look up. His gaze was entirely focused on the hand now holding his - firm and strong, the skin a shade redder than Kieren’s and heat warming him as their hands rested on his thigh.

“I’m not gay,” Rick was saying. His voice was barely above a whisper, almost as if he was afraid. Kieren still stared at their hands, trying to catch up with what was going on. “But… I like you. I mean, maybe that does mean I’m gay, I don’t know how these things work, so maybe I am, although I don’t know if it really matters or anything… but… I like you…”

Kieren had frozen, looking up slowly at the admission. Rick was, for want of a better word, rambling, but when he said those three words again, Kieren’s breath hitched, the pieces starting to fall into place. But… how…? Tall, attractive, strong, handsome and painfully straight… Those smiles, the attempts to engage in conversation, the way Rick’s gaze had flickered over him every time they were in a room together - they hadn’t been because Rick was ridiculing him or trying to annoy him? Kieren couldn’t work out how or why Rick would, somehow, genuinely want to approach Kieren, to want to get to know him.

Still unable to get his head around it, Kieren said the first thing that came to mind, immediately hating how stupid he sounded. “You wouldn’t let me kiss you last night.”

Rick exhaled calmly, as if he’d been expecting something worse to happen or be said, and replied easily, as if the answer was obvious. “You were drunk. It wouldn’t have been right.”

Kieren wondered if that meant it would be okay now that he was sober, but bit his lip and said nothing, looking down. He still couldn’t get his head around the fact that Rick liked him. Rick’s hand still hold his own and the fact that Rick had talked about it maybe meaning he was gay left little room to doubt that Rick was talking about anything other than actual attraction, not just wanting to be friends. It still didn’t make sense, and all those girls…

“Why?”

Rick could obviously tell they weren’t talking about last night, but wasn’t sure what Kieren was asking about. “Why what?”

“Why me? Why not one of those girls you bring back all the time? Why not… anyone else?”

Kieren felt Rick’s hand twitch around his own, but couldn’t look directly at him, even as Rick tried to explain.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “It just kinda… happened.”

There was nothing there that helped Kieren understand what was going through Rick’s mind, so he just kept quiet, looking down at the hand holding his. He’d barely realised that he wanted this himself, and Rick was suddenly… what? Offering? Kieren’s mind was stuck on the fact that Rick had said he liked him. He couldn’t. How did that work? Kieren still couldn’t understand it.

“I’m sorry,” Rick said gently, filling the space Kieren left with his lack of response. “I’m not good at this. I’m not good with words. I just wanted to get to know you, I didn’t want to make you feel awkward or anything. I’m really, really sorry you saw me with that girl last ni-”

Kieren jerked his hand away, hurt by the memory. He wish Rick hadn’t mentioned it. He didn’t want to think about the pain piercing his chest or the discomfort twisting in his stomach. He hated that he cared. He hated that he wanted whatever Rick had shared with that girl.

He didn’t know what to do with what he was feeling.

“I need to lie down,” he muttered, shifting away from Rick and already tugging at the duvet. “Headache,” he tagged on, hoping the small truth would make Kieren’s excuse a fraction more plausible. He just wanted to curl up away from what he was feeling. He wasn’t ready to face the memory of Rick with that girl. He didn’t know if he ever would be.

“Would you like me to get you anything?” Rick offered, his voice having dropped to barely above a whisper. It sounded to Kieren that it caught in his throat, and came out somewhat shakily, but he discounted it, answering only the direct question.

“No.”

His tugging on the duvet forced Rick to get up, and Kieren promptly rolled onto his side and curled up under the covers, his back to the room.

Despite the clear dismissal, Rick stood there for a moment longer, finally moving away. Kieren heard the sound of paper being shuffled together as Rick presumably stopped to pick up the pile of scrap paper Kieren had upset last night but hadn’t bothered to collect from the floor, pausing for far too long before putting them back on the desk. A few seconds later, the door click shut as Rick left the room.

Kieren wasn’t sure how long had passed before he sat up again - it could have been ten minutes, it could have been two hours. As he glanced around the room, his gaze fell on the stack of doodles Rick had set back on the table, and on the small square white envelope of the unopened Christmas card that now sat on top.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artwork for the fic by the lovely tsuminubiaru can be found [here](http://tsuminubiaru.tumblr.com/post/112431547429/this-is-rick-eoin-was-saying-kieren). Please check it out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't expect great things :D
> 
> Sorry this took so long, I tend to go days without coming online...
> 
> Un-beta'd.

When it came down to it, Kieren realised that Rick had tried to be nice to him all along. He’d tried to talk to him, tried to join in with what he and Philip were doing, tried to get to know him, and Kieren had shut him off. He’d given him the cold shoulder every time Rick had so much as glanced at him, but for some reason the guy hadn’t given up.

Kieren had lain there trying to get his thoughts and feelings in order for the better part of an hour. Thinking about Rick with anyone else just hurt, so he tried to avoid it. It was probably jealousy, he realised – a sickening feeling mixed with painful longing – and Kieren was pretty sure he shouldn’t be feeling that. Rick had never been his, so he didn’t have the right. Telling himself that didn’t stop the feeling, though.

Instead, he’d tried to work out why Rick had even looked twice at him and had kept trying even when Kieren had turned his back on him, but hadn’t managed to figure it out. He was still sure the guy was straight, so the admission was a difficult thing to digest. Even if he wasn’t straight, why would he notice Kieren? Tall, scrawny, introverted and all long limbs and awkwardness, there was nothing Kieren ever saw in his reflection that he could imagine anyone finding attractive.

Finding only questions, Kieren had eventually sat back up and glanced around his room before deciding to go talk to Rick. The other option was to hide away and pretend that the whole thing had never happened, but Kieren didn’t think he could do that. He could try avoiding the guy, but they lived in the same flat so there was no way that could work forever, and the questions would remain unanswered. It was uncomfortable to think about just how much of an asshole he’d been to the guy; even after Rick had admitted that he liked Kieren, Kieren had still turned away. Rick had said that he was no good with words, but despite the fact that Kieren knew he was far, far worse, he knew some things couldn’t be left unspoken. The memory of Rick’s hand holding his own was still playing on his mind – he could almost feel the heat where their skin had touched. If nothing else, he wanted to say sorry.

Rick hadn’t left the flat, but as Kieren made his decision and stood up to make for the door, he heard Rick move into the kitchen. He huffed at his luck, but didn’t change his mind. It just took a second of standing himself in the hallway to steel himself enough to push open the door to the kitchen and walk into the room.

Busy rummaging in the fridge, Rick looked up at him as Kieren stood there, clearly surprised to see him. “You okay? Still hungover?” was the first thing he asked.

Slowly, Kieren nodded. “A little,” he admitted.

“I was going to make some food, I could fix you some too?”

Kieren bit his lip, considering the offer. He then nodded as he realised he hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon, moving further into the kitchen and hoping his resolved wouldn’t fade. It hadn’t so far – he was still sorry for the way he acted, and still wanted to know if Rick actually liked him. He was still having trouble accepting that fact.

“What you want? I’m doing bacon, beans, hash browns, tomatoes… um…” Rick was peering in the fridge again, looking for ingredients to add to the list as Kieren frowned at him.

“Breakfast?” he asked incredulously. Rick shrugged, turning and giving him a small smile, looking a little uncertain.

“Yeah. I can do something else if you want.”

Kieren shook his head. “Just not too much bacon,” he conceded.

Rick gave him a much wider, relieved smile, and started pulling things out the fridge, closing it and pulling a frying pan out of his cupboard. “Would you mind getting the hash browns out the freezer?”

As he helped, Kieren wondered if the silence they found falling over them was uncomfortable or not. While he didn’t mind it so much, he still knew there were things he needed to ask, and it felt as if Rick was being respectfully quiet, not wanting to say anything that would upset the mood. Watching as Rick cooked and then shared out the food, Kieren tried to work out why he was surprised that Rick shared everything out equally, apart from the bacon. It was Rick’s food, and he undoubtedly had a bigger appetite than Kieren. He said nothing, though. It was only when they sat down next to each other that he spoke, skewering one of the hash browns and dumped it on Rick’s plate.

“You gave me too much.”

Rick gave a small smile. “Eat what you can manage,” he advised, passing the hash brown back. “Worry about leftovers after.”

Kieren chewed at his lip but didn’t protest, turning to his food and tucking in. They ate in silence for a few minutes, before Kieren hesitated, chewing on his fork for a moment. Noticing his change in demeanour and turning, Rick looked like he was about to ask what was wrong, but Kieren beat him to it.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick to you,” he rushed, the words having sat heavily on his tongue all the while. Rick took a moment to react, but when he did, his face relaxed into a smile. It really suited him, and caused his cheeks to dimple, but it also made Kieren feel worse. Rick’s gentle promised of “you’re forgiven,” seemed far too easy. That shouldn’t be it. Rick should be at least a little bit pissed off at how Kieren had acted towards him the entire time they’d known each other. They didn’t even know each other. Kieren hadn’t let Rick get close enough for that.

Kieren turned back to his food, stabbing forcefully at the bacon as he found himself speaking again. “I don’t understand why you even like me though – if you really do, that is…”

Rick picked up where he trailed off, pushing the food around his plate and not taking a mouthful as he answered. “I do.”

“Why?”

It was the same question from earlier, and Kieren didn’t think he’d get a different answer, but Rick exhaled slowly, focusing on the fork he was pushing across his plate, having obviously thought about it. “You’re really attractive,” he said at length. If he’d heard the sharp intake of breath from Kieren, he didn’t react. “You come across as genuine - you don’t try to be someone or something that you’re not. You’re a good friend to Lippy, and I know I don’t really know you, but you seem… nice…”

It was clear Rick was unimpressed with his own word choice by the way he trailed off, and Kieren wasn’t really sure how to react to anything that had just been said. He hadn’t expected an answer. He just stared at his plate, figuring that the list of things he could be called that were worse than ‘nice’ was bigger than the list of words that were better. And he was sure Rick had intended it in the best possible way.

“I’m shit with words, sorry,” Rick sighed.

Kieren gave a small smile, mostly to himself. “What about actions?”

Picking up on the lighthearted tone, Rick gave a short, warm laugh. “Much better at those.”

In the silence that followed as they both took another few mouthfuls, Kieren could help but think about how ‘I like you’ could be translated into actions. Swallowing a carefully chewed mouthful, he found the courage to speak.

“Would you show me?”

“Show you what?”

“The… actions…” His cheeks were flaming at the implication of his words, but he still managed to look at Rick, catching the confusing flicker of emotions that crossed his features before Rick’s expression became guarded.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Rick said carefully.

Kieren felt the hope he hadn’t realised he’d built up crumble away from beneath him, leaving him deflated and resigned. “Why not?”

“Do you even like me?” Rick asked sadly, turning to look directly at him. That look crushed Kieren, and his breath caught in his throat, mouth falling open. Sure, he’d tried to kiss Rick and had thought about doing so again since last night, and yes, he’d found himself wishing that he could be the one with Rick, but Kieren had never actually admitted to himself that he liked him, never mind said it out loud. All there had ever been between them until last night was Rick’s attempts to be nice and get to know him and Kieren coldly shutting him down at every turn. Even after last night, Kieren hadn’t said those words; all he’d ever told Rick was that he hated him. And he didn’t. He really fucking didn’t.

He took too long to say anything, though, and Rick turned away as the silence stretched between them, something about his posture changing, making him look withdrawn; resigned, Kieren realised. It hurt. He hadn’t wanted that, and desperately reached for him, his fingers clutching at the material at Rick’s shoulder as he shifted forwards, barely thinking about his actions.

Rick stopped him, though, just as easily as he had done last night. Kieren’s expression creased in pain at the rejection, the solid hand on his chest pushing him away and making him realise what he’d tried to do. It would probably have hurt less if Rick had punched him. His own voice sounded pitiful to his ears as he tried to breathe past the pain.

“Don’t you want me?”

Rick took his time in answering, carefully removing his hand and looking down at his own plate, dragging his knife through the sauce. “Not like that, no.”

Kieren barely held back a dry sob of pain and frustration. He’d thought… he’d thought that Rick liked him. He’d thought that Rick was interested in him as more than just friends, and had realised that he wanted that too. He’d felt bad for all those months in which he’d tried to ignore Rick and shut him out, because when he looked back, he realised that he’d just assumed there could be nothing between them, so had tried to isolate himself. He hadn’t allowed himself to feel anything but contempt towards the other guy when, really, from the start he’d liked Rick. A lot.

But Rick didn’t like him back, not like that. Kieren had gotten it wrong, and he didn’t know where that left him. “Like what, then?” he finally managed to ask.

“I want…” Rick sighed, setting down the cutlery and pushing his plate away as he seemed to change direction. “I don’t want to fuck around.”

“Fuck around?” he echoed. Rick’s words didn’t really make sense – the guy fucked around with girls more often than not, so was it because Kieren was a guy that Rick turned him down? Although he’d said that he liked Kieren, maybe Rick didn’t really like guys. Perhaps he liked the idea of trying it, but when it came down to it, that ‘I like you’ could never be translated into actions.

“I don’t want someone who doesn’t even like me. I don’t want a casual fuck.”

“What about all those girls?” Kieren found himself countering, before he realised what Rick had said: he didn’t want someone who didn’t even like him. To him, Kieren was just… what? Some scrawny guy who had spent months avoiding him and shutting him out, eventually getting drunk and telling Rick how much he hated him before trying to kiss him? Kieren hadn’t told him in any seriousness that he liked him. That should have been the first thing out of his mouth.

Rick was actually pulling a face. “There weren’t that many, and I didn’t really care about them, and they certainly didn’t give a shit about me. It was just… company…”

Kieren kept quiet for a moment, nervously biting his lip. Rick had actually sounded serious, and maybe he’d pushed Kieren back and turned him down because he didn’t think Kieren was serious as well. Then again, maybe he’d still turn Kieren down, no matter what he said. That thought terrified him, and Kieren’s voice caught in his throat as he tried to express what he’d come to realise, trying to give Rick a reason to give him the chance he really, really wanted.

“I give a shit about you.”

Rick completely stilled, seemingly stunned by Kieren’s words. When he looked up and caught Kieren’s gaze, he seemed both hopeful and terrified.

“Really?”

Kieren just nodded, struggling to find his tongue. “When we first me, I knew you’d never look twice at me. I hated that, I hated how much it hurt, cos… well, I like you too…”

“I looked,” Rick admitted, seeming to relax at Kieren’s words, ones he seemed glad to hear. He almost smiled. “I really looked.”

Kieren snorted, having to look away. “That’s still too weird for me.”

“Hey,” Rick said softly, his fingers reaching out to gently lift Kieren’s chin, making Kieren look back up at him. “It shouldn’t be. You’re stunning.”

Kieren tried to catch his breath as Rick looked at him, lost in those expressive hazel eyes that seemed to be a mix of several different colours. He’d never noticed that before… but Rick was already pulling his hand away, leaning back in his seat as his fingers brushing over his jeans, picking at an imaginary thread. He seemed uncertain again.

“I meant what I said, though,” Rick continued, an edge to his voice. “I don’t want to fuck around. I’ve never been with a guy before; it’s not something I’d take lightly.”

“You mean, like… you want a boyfriend, or…?”

Rick shook his head, sighing. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe? I don’t really know how this works, I just know that… well, I like you. Not sure what comes next.” He looked up at Kieren again, trying to give him a small smile but not really managing. Kieren couldn’t quite return it, his mind stumbling over the idea of Rick wanting anything with him; instead, he reached out and let his hand rest over Rick’s, mirroring the gesture from before. Rick turned his hand over, lacing their fingers together.

“You’re not just saying you like me to make me feel better are you?” Rick asked hesitantly.

“No, I really like you.” Kieren reassured him, tightened his grasp. After keeping Rick out for so long, it made sense that Rick was perhaps questioning his sincerity, but Kieren didn’t doubt it himself. Something had taken root deep within him, and it didn’t feel like it wasn’t about to shift any time soon. This is what he’d been afraid of feeling, what he’d somehow known would happen if he allowed himself to see Rick as anything other than someone he hated. Maybe he’d always liked Rick, but just looking at the guy… Kieren would never have thought he stood a chance with him. So he’d shut himself off from the guy, because this short amount of time was all it had taken for Kieren to realise he didn’t want to let go. It was probably going to end up hurting beyond belief, but for now, Rick was holding on just as tightly, and that was enough for him.

“Good,” Rick mumbled, mostly to himself, before looking up at Kieren, a slight blush dusting his cheeks. “Um… we should probably tidy up.”

They both glanced at their mostly finished food before looking back at each other, and Kieren pulled a slight face at the suggestion. Rick, though, gave a small smile. “I’d rather kiss you though,” he admitted.

Kieren’s heart skipped several beats, and he felt his cheeks reddening. “I… uh… yeah…” he stuttered, eyes wide. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to respond to that, or what to even think as Rick slowly brought his other hand up to Kieren’s cheek, fingers lightly brushing over the heated skin with a nervous tenderness that surprised Kieren, made him draw a shaky breath. God, he wanted this. Following the subtle pull of Rick’s fingers, Kieren let his eyes slide shut, losing sight of Rick’s warm gaze as they met halfway, soft lips pressing against his own as Rick’s fingertips still rested lightly on his cheek, encouraging him not to break away. His breath hitched, making him give a choked noise of surprise at how good it felt, heat and pleasure cascading through him from such a simple touch… his first kiss…

It wasn’t enough, though, and as he found a flicker of confidence, Kieren opened himself up to more, parting his lips against Rick’s in invitation. Rick’s fingers pushed up over his cheekbone, palm grazing his skin as those fingers found his hair and pushed into it, deftly holding the back of his head as Rick accepted the offer, his tongue teasing over Kieren’s lips before deepening the kiss. It was so easy to surrender control, and Kieren found his hand grasping at the front of Rick’s top, trying to tug him closer, wanting more. His whole body was reacting, and he moaned softly, tongue teasing over Rick’s as pleasure rippled through him. Rick’s hand in his hair felt strong and possessive, but like this there was no way to press his body closer, to get more of what he wanted.

Trying not to break the kiss, Kieren slipped from his chair, staying bent over as he slid into Rick’s lap and straddled him, blushing furiously as his movement caught his lip painfully between their teeth as they bumped together. Rick was such a good kisser and Kieren knew it had to be blindingly obvious how inept he was, but Rick didn’t pull away or laugh at him; the hand holding Kieren’s just gently let go, fingers finding the hem of Kieren’s top and pushing under it, warm palm grazing over the sensitive skin at his lower back and holding him close as they deepened the kiss. Like this, and with both arms wrapped around Rick’s shoulders and neck, fingers pushing against his short hair, Kieren could easily be in control, but he let Rick guide him, his body shifting against Rick’s, encouraged by the firm hands against his back pulling him even closer. It was only when he moved again that he suddenly froze, completely stiffening in Rick’s arms and breaking the kiss as he realised the true extent of his reaction.

Panting, Kieren broke the kiss, looking down and biting his lip, unable to meet Rick’s gaze as he realised the position he’d put himself in – and not only that, but how much he wanted… everything… Rick’s hand was brushing over his cheek, trying to catch Kieren’s eye.  
“Ren? You okay?”

“I…” he knew he’d sound so stupid if he admitted how much he liked Rick, so bit back the words, finding different ones instead. “How much do you want me?” he asked breathlessly.

Rick was completely still for a moment, and Kieren suddenly worried he’d snapped Rick out of whatever trance he might have been in, and that the guy would realise that he didn’t want Kieren after all.

“I’ve not been able to think of anything I wouldn’t want to do with you,” Rick said honestly. This time, Kieren met his gaze when Rick looked at him, too stunned to think to look away. The guy completely took his breath away; he was so incredibly handsome, and the way he looked at Kieren was so intense, so earnest. Kieren believed him.

And, with their eyes still locked, Rick held Kieren tightly as he slowly rocked his hips as best he could while pinned by Kieren’s weight, making it clear what had crossed his mind. The thickness of the fabric made is hard to tell how Rick’s body had reacted to the kiss, but the movement made Kieren gasp, his thoughts now truly scattered. There was no way he could come back from this. He didn’t even care to try. This pretty-much-perfect guy actually wanted him. As far as Kieren was concerned, Rick could have him.

It had to have been Kieren who closed the distance and initiated the kiss, but he couldn’t remember doing so. All he could focus on were the lips kissing him as greedily as he kissed Rick, their bodies touching and trying to press closer still. Hands ran through his hair, down over his back and gripped at his hips, which were rocking against Rick and meeting the shallow, pinned thrusts. Everything was too much. He could do nothing but feel and react, his whole body aching as the anticipation built. Just touching and kissing like this wasn’t enough. He needed Rick. He wanted Rick.

Kieren pulled back with a choked noise, flushed with embarrassment as he realised how close he was to actually getting off like this, like some stupid virgin. Rick wasn’t laughing at him though – if anything, he looked just as affected as he looked at Kieren, trying to catch his breath as he forced out a question. “Room?”

All Kieren could do was nod, slipping from Rick’s lap. The nervous excitement of what that one word could imply was enough to keep the heat from dissipating as Rick stood, his hand finding and gripping Kieren’s. Would Rick actually want to…?

Neither of them gave the state they were leaving the kitchen in a second thought, and Kieren tugged on Rick’s hand, not caring whose room they ended up in. As the bedroom door snapped closed behind them, he realised they were in his own, but was more focused on turning to Rick and finding his lips again than he was on anything else. Deft hands at his waist were pushing up the fabric of his top and Rick walked them both towards the bed, breaking the kiss and lowering his mouth to Kieren’s neck. Kieren found himself gasping and shivering as Rick bit him lightly and sucked at a spot he hadn’t even known could be so sensitive, feeling weak in the most incredibly pleasurable way.

“Want this?” Rick asked, pulling away a fraction to speak, his attention moving up to and along Kieren’s jawbone. Kieren nodded, knowing Rick would feel the movement no matter how small.

“Want you,” he breathed, fingers tugging at the hem of Rick’s top. Rick pulled away, helping to pull his top off and then lifting Kieren’s own over his head. As he raised his arms to help, Kieren couldn’t help staring at Rick’s body, amazed by how incredible he looked. He still wasn’t sure this was happening, or how it could be happening. His own body couldn’t compare, and he didn’t want Rick to look at him, or the guy might change his mind.

Rick change his mind and pull away, though, instead seemingly spurred on by the sight revealed to him, pulling Kieren close and kissing him as he let his hands run over his slender frame appreciatively. As he made enough space between their bodies to tug at the front of Kieren’s jeans, Rick broke the kiss just enough to whisper against his lips.

“Want to sit on the bed?”

“Are you going to fuck me?” Kieren asked breathlessly.

“Do you want me to?”

Biting his lip, Kieren nodded, finding himself swept up in a possessive kiss a moment later, Rick’s hand pushing up into his hair. As if remembering himself, though, Rick broke away.

“You got some lube and a condom?”

Kieren hesitated, realising Rick’s room might have been better. “Just lube,” he admitted.

“Wanna grab it?” Rick encouraged with a kiss. When Kieren pressed the tube into his hand a few moment later after moving away and fetching it from the drawer, Rick just dropped it on the bedcovers and letting his fingers find the fastenings of Kieren’s jeans again. As he popped the button loose and undid the zipper with one hand, the other gently pushed Kieren back, and his knees caught at the edge of the bed. It was where he wanted to end up anyway, so Kieren sat down, eyes fixed on Rick as the other guy leant forward, fingers tracing round the waistband of Kieren’s jeans, tugging. Leaning back on his hands, Kieren lifted his hips in permission, cheeks flushing as he realised his jeans were pulling his boxers down too. But the look of nervous excitement on Rick’s face bolstered him, and he didn’t try to stop what was happening, even though he blushed even harder as his erection was freed and slapped gently against his stomach. Rick was quite clearly taking in his obvious state of arousal as he knelt to tug his clothes off the rest of the way, lips parted as he looked up and met Kieren’s gaze. Without saying anything, Rick just stood and made quick work of his own jeans, shoving his underwear down and tugging his socks off, exposing himself completely to Kieren’s scrutiny. He couldn’t help taking in every detail about Rick’s body: the colour of his skin, the shadows of his muscles and the way they shifted as Rick moved, the neat surgical scar by his right hip, the soft trail of hair leading down from his navel, and the very obvious state of arousal he was in. Because of Kieren.

He swallowed thickly, only just hearing Rick’s suggestion to move up the bed. Doing so, he caught Rick’s gaze as the guy climbed onto the bed with him, leaning over Kieren and carefully lowering his weight. Impatient for the warmth and contact, Kieren reached up, arms wrapping around Rick’s back and neck to pull him closer, gasping and letting out a moan as Rick’s cock brushed against ticklish skin and was followed by a warm, comforting weight. Their lips found each other again, and Kieren kissed Rick hungrily as the larger guy’s weight settled on him, the shifting of his hips catching the sensitive skin of Kieren’s erection and making him gasp into the kiss. The earlier contact, muted by their clothes, was nothing compared to this.

And then Rick was moving away, breaking the kiss as he sat up and reached for the lube. He knelt astride Kieren’s thighs as he coated his hand and smeared some of the liquid over his length. A bolt of nervousness shot through Kieren at the sight, knowing what was coming next. Or what he thought was coming next.

Instead of doing as Kieren expected, Rick wrapped his hand around Kieren’s cock, coating it with the fast-warming lube still on his hand. He stiffened in shock, taking a moment to process what was actually happening – Rick’s hand was still on him, gliding easily over his length, and fuck, it felt so damn good. Past the initial surprise, Kieren spent a fraction of a moment wondering in disbelief how Rick could even want to do this, before he gave up thinking altogether. His hand gripped at Rick’s thighs, fingers pressing bluntly into the firm muscle as his other brushed up over Rick’s upper arm and tugged at his shoulder, wanting more contact, which Rick seemed glad to give. He leant forwards, propping his weight up on the arm he brought to rest next to Kieren’s head, the hand around Kieren’s cock loosening for a second. When it tightened again, Kieren almost completely lost hold on reality, the feeling of Rick’s hard cock now trapped against his own in a firm grip nearly sending him over the edge. He let out a broken moan, Rick swallowing the sound as he kissed Kieren hungrily again, neither of them focused enough to make the touch any better than a bruising meeting of lips and tongues. Kieren didn’t care. His arms were around Rick, trying to tug him closer and gain leverage to thrust his hips into Rick’s fist, which mercifully started to move faster. There was no way he could last long like this, he needed it too much. He needed Rick.

They were both shifting their hips into the touch when Rick gave a choked noise and broke the kiss – if it could even be called that any more – his lips brushing just over Kieren’s jawline. “Switch?”

Instinctively knowing what Rick wanted, Kieren didn’t protest at the loss of touch, instead moving as quickly and fluidly as he could to switch their positions. It bought him maybe a few seconds of respite, the orgasm that had been threatening ebbing slightly, but he was still incredibly close, his cock painfully hard as Rick took it in his hand again, trapping their slicked lengths together.

Back arched, Kieren kissed Rick again, fingers pushing through short hair as he felt the new dynamic of having Rick beneath him, rather than on top. Kieren was much lighter and every shift from Rick translated straight into his own body in a way that he found he liked just as much as he’d liked the comforting weight shifting above him. In a way, it felt better – Rick actually wanted to be beneath him. Kieren just wished it could last longer. He fought to catch his breath, having broken the kiss as he felt himself being pushed closer and closer to the edge. His forehead resting against Rick’s, he tried to stutter out a warning. Before he could, though, Rick tensed beneath him, moaning as his hand trembled, tilting his jaw up to press their lips harshly together. Kieren met the kiss forcefully, his whole body about to break apart as he felt Rick cum beneath him, warm liquid catching against his stomach. And then he started to cum too, body tense and shivering as wave after wave of pleasure and release coursed through him, teased over the edge by Rick’s hand around his cock, slick and trembling as Rick started to come down from his own high.

Finally spent, Kieren slumped against Rick, the shuddering breaths he was taking sounding almost like sobs to his own ears as he pressed kisses to Rick’s neck and shoulders, pushing his arms beneath the solid weight of Rick’s body so Kieren could hold him close. Rick was doing the same, strong arms wrapped around Kieren as they both fought to regain control of their breathing.

“You okay Ren?” Rick asked softly, the hand trailing down over his side leaving a cool trail Kieren couldn’t be bothered to care about. He loved that Rick called him that. He knew Rick did that with almost everyone, but it still felt like a term of endearment. He gave a small smile against Rick’s neck.

“Very okay,” he mumbled. “You?”

It was clear that Rick tried to give a laugh, but he didn’t quite manage it. Kieren still felt the warmth bubbling in the chest beneath his own, though. “Yeah,” he sighed. Rick felt okay.

“I thought you wanted to fuck me,” Kieren admitted after a few more minutes of silence in which his breathing and heartrate settled into a steady rhythm. He’d pulled one arm from under Rick, and was now playing with the short strands of his fingers. Rick shifted to look at Kieren, giving him a lazy grin.

“Who says I don’t still want to?”

Kieren snorted at the teasing glint in Rick’s eye.

“I do,” Rick said, his tone switching to serious. “I just thought, at the time, it was better not to jump straight in at the deep end.”

Kieren kept quiet in agreement. He’d never done anything with anyone before, so to straight away let Rick fuck him… he didn’t think it would be the worst idea he’d ever had, but it certainly wouldn’t have been a brilliant one.

“Have you ever… you know…?” Rick was asking. Kieren gave a slight shake of his head. Rick seemed to relax. “Me neither.”

They fell silent again, and Kieren let his eyes flicker shut. It was comfortable like this, despite the sticky mess between their stomachs, and as there was no need to do anything else, Kieren was content just to lie there, feeling Rick’s comforting arms around him and warm body beneath him.

“What now?” he asked eventually. Rick took a moment to respond, sighing as his hand ran down the length of Kieren’s spine.

“Whatever you want,” Rick said, clearly knowing they weren’t talking about which order to pull their clothes back on. “I like this, and I could stand to do a lot more of it – and with just you. But you can go back to hating me if you want.”

The words hadn't been said maliciously, but they made Kieren give a choked noise of frustration and anger, immediately pushing away from Rick.

“I didn’t hate you!” he argued. The idea of them being something more had sounded nice, but the reminder of how they’d spent the months up until now wasn’t welcome. Through his annoyance, Kieren knew that he’d _thought_ he’d hated Rick, which was almost the same thing, really, and there was nothing he could do about it. He hated that Rick had brought it up.

The guy was slowly sitting, glancing down at the mess on his own stomach and sighing. He reached his clean hand out towards Kieren, offering it for Kieren to take.

“I’m sorry,” Rick tried. Kieren was staring at the hand resting on the bed between them, but didn’t take it. He wanted to be angry for a moment longer, and was trying to work out why. For some reason the fact Rick had insisted that he didn’t want to ‘fuck around’ but had given Kieren the option to turn this into just that was what seemed to be getting to him the most. He wanted Rick, and wished Rick believed him enough to insist that they explore this further.

“You’re such a fucking asshole,” Kieren muttered, shifting enough to reach for a box of tissues and pull several free.

“Pretty much,” Rick agreed sadly, obviously taking the way Kieren had ignored his offer as a rejection. Which it wasn’t – Kieren just needed a few more minutes to… to what? To wait for Rick to turn around and say he wanted Kieren? He’d already said that. Kieren shrank in on himself a little as his irritation dissipated. It might seem annoying, but Rick was still trying to be a decent person and give him the choice. Steeling himself, Kieren turned and shifted towards Rick, starting to wipe at the mess that had started drying on his skin.

“You don’t–”

“I really like you,” Kieren said determinedly, talking over Rick and silencing his protest. He let his eyes flicker up to Rick’s, hating the look he saw there.

“But?” Rick asked.

Kieren shook his head. “No buts.”

His hand had stilled, and when he glanced back down, Kieren realised they would really need a shower, not just a quick clean-up with some tissues.

“I’m really sorry I misjudged you,” he said, looking away and focusing on a spot on the bed beside Rick’s thigh. “I wish I could make it up to you somehow.”

“Hey,” Rick said gently, fingers lifting Kieren’s chin and encouraging him to look up. To Kieren’s surprise, Rick was smiling, even if it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You already did. I never thought I’d get a chance with you, so this… Even if we don’t do this again, I’m happy that you finally talked to me.”

There had to be something broken inside of Rick for him to be this nice. Kieren’s voice caught in his throat as he tried to respond. “We can do this again,” he managed.

“Really?” Rick asked hopefully, his grin widening and causing his dimples to become more pronounced. Kieren nodded, watching as the smile reached Rick’s eyes, completely lost in how handsome he was.

“I don’t want to fuck around either,” Kieren said, echoing Rick’s sentiment from earlier as he found Rick’s hand and laced their fingers together. He found himself pulling a face as he lifted their hands slightly and looked at him. “Do kinda want to take a shower though.”

Rick laughed warmly, using the sticky hand Kieren was holding to pull him closer and give him a fleeting kiss. “Want to go first?”

“Think there’s enough space to shower together?”

Kieren was considering the limited shower space they had, trying to imagine how it could work with the two of them. Rick shrugged. “We could try?”

“Next time we’re cleaning up before it dries on us,” Kieren sighed.

“Next time, huh?” Rick asked with a grin.

“Yeah, next time,” Kieren nodded, sealing the promise with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from a Martin Luther King Jr. quote about love and hate:  
> "Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.  
> Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.  
> Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it."


End file.
